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| At the Getty from the north lawn |
When I worked as a guide and information host at Northstar Ski Resort in Lake Tahoe, I had the pleasure of working with three wonderful young women who all had the unique ability to make me laugh just as I was drinking something so that fluid, usually Mountain Dew, would spew from my nose. There have been a few times when my ESL students have nearly made me do the same thing. But I have grown older, much older, than those days of ski bumming and I no longer eruct fluids quite so easily from my nostrils. Besides, my girlfriend has already grown weary of my singular ability to spill some food item or other on my shirts if food comes anywhere near me.
But there have been some doozies none the less.
Like the time during an explanation of phrasal verbs, Yenal, a tall, chain-smoking Turk who looks like Joey Ramone's long-lost brother asked if "fuck-off" was an example of a phrasal verb. It is, in case you were wondering. Not too long ago, one of my newer students, Han Joo showed up late to class and sort of stared at the floor. I asked him where his homework. He looked at me with a very serious expression and replied, "I fucked up". I nearly ejaculated water from my nose as I was just beginning to take a sip from my bottle, instead I choked a bit.
"What?" I finally stammered. The rest of the class was giggling. Han Joo had just arrived in Los Angeles from South Korea less than a week earlier. Apparently he'd been palling around with a Korean woman who had been teaching him some new American vernacular. "You can't say that Han Joo, at least not in class." He looked mortified, "What? Why? My friend says it all the time." Apparently.
It's not just English they have fun with, it's other languages as well.
I've noticed that the Eastern Asians tend to be enamored of Western Europeans, especially the French. Especially the French women. Many Asian guys will make friends with the European men. Mostly, I think, to learn how to bed European women. The European men, being no dummies themselves, are glad to teach the Asian men. Like Steve Martin once said, "Teach them wrong".
One day walking to class, I was approached by one of my Japanese students, Ichiro. Ichiro came up to me holding a note. Ichiro wanted to know if what he had written was correct. What Ichiro had written was, "Voulez vous coucher avec moi?" The hand writing was a little shaky, but I understood what was happening, being no dummy myself. I looked around and spotted the culprits, two of my French students. "Who were you planning on asking this?" I already knew the answer, Anne Sophie, a cute little girl from the South West of France. Guiltily, Ichiro pointed at Anne Sophie. "Well, you can certainly try, but I wouldn't." I warned him. "Why?" he wanted to know. "Because she'll probably slap you." I don't know if Ichiro ever asked Anne Sophie if she wanted to sleep with him, but a few weeks after that, Ichiro and one of the French students asked me about going to Tijuana to see a donkey show. I advised them to rent a car and get insurance. A lot of insurance.
But it's not always the things that they say.
I was substituting for another teacher one day. As I was speaking with the students, I looked across the room and noted that Shin, a goofy kid from Japan, was wearing what at first glance appeared to be a Snapple t-shirt. For those of you unaware, Snapple makes and bottles iced teas and juices. Their motto is, "Made from the best things on Earth". On closer inspection however, I realized that what Shin's t-shirt actually said was, "Snatch. The best thing on Earth". At the break, as discreetly as I could, I pulled Shin aside and asked him where he had purchased the t-shirt. He told me that he had bought it at the Goodwill and wanted to know why. "Look," I said pointing to the modified logo, "that is a very offensive word to American women. You go out in public wearing that shirt and someone is going to punch you. Probably a woman. Don't wear that shirt to school again."
And it's not just the things they might wear either.
Part of what we do at the school is administer, then grade, what are known as Levels Tests, a fairly comprehensive test of their reading, listening, speaking and writing ability in English. Usually I proctor these tests as well as grade them. Some of their writing samples are gems. Like this one wherein the student was supposed to have written about what they would do with one million dollars:
"lately... read a car magazine. I like Germany car. Benz and porshe. out of those I like porshe... but I don''t remember spell porshe. any way... I love germany car. may be... Hittler? general make a Porshe. very long time ago..."
Hitler was a general he liked who made the Porsche?
But some of the best metamorphoses of English come from the little electronic, pocket dictionaries and translators all the Eastern Asian students use. Like the title of this blog post. A Chinese girl had wanted a translation for the phrase, "Meet by chance" and her little electronic, pocket dictionary and translator came back with, "Like patches of drifting duckweed". That was so poetic, I just had to use it somehow. Maybe a new daytime soap?
Not to be outdone however, my Google Voice came up with this transcription when the Taiwanese woman who owns the lawn mower repair shop called and left a message:
"You know I'm running and if you could. John's not. Miller, I cannot find you know my she's relate to. You have to go to CNN's part of it. I meant so, so I did for can helpful and can you pick up the machine and or to it up related to you know that he has support. I'm pretty thank you bye."
Twenty bucks to anyone who can tell me what she really said.
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