Open Letter From One Heart To Another

Posted by Your mom / at 10:25 AM / /

"Jorinda sat down to gaze upon the sun; Jorindel sat by her side; and both felt sad, they knew not why; but it seemed as if they were to be parted from one another for ever. They had wandered a long way; and when they looked to see which way they should go home, they found themselves at a loss to know what path to take." - Wilhelm Grimm

My dearest love.  I know that you read these posts because you told me that wonderful night we spoke and saw one another for the first time in five, what were for me, long and torturous months.  You also told me that my posts were "devious", or something to that effect.  Unfortunately that is one of the things that I forgot during my black outs when the two times we chatted online.

It is unfortunate that this is my only medium and I pray that this will not be my only medium of communication with you.  You won't let me truly speak my mind and I guess that I am to blame for your hesitance, at what I can only assume is your nervousness when we communicate.  I am so truly, deeply sorry for all of the terrible things that I have done.

I have loved you since that night at roller derby when I placed the ear buds from my Walkman in your ears and played Judas Priest for you.  I can still see the look on your face.

I can still remember how gorgeous you looked that evening we went to the Getty Museum, especially as you sat on the South Verandah, the setting sun behind you as you looked out across Los Angeles.  I remember thinking to myself all that night just how beautiful you are and just how lucky I was.  I called a friend and told him that I simply did not understand how I could be so lucky.  I should have told you that as well.

I hope that you know and understand that I loved every minute that we were together.  I hope as well that you know and understand that I regret every minute that we were not because I decided I wanted to stay home and drink.

In our conversations, whether via video, text or email, I have always sensed a feeling of anger and resentment from you.  It was something that I would feel from you, quite literally and openly in February and March as well as you would some days be very flirty and fun with me, then others you would literally kick my legs out from under me.

I never really understood it then and I do not really understand it all now.  I suppose some of it could be put off to "the emotions of a woman", some of it could be your personality and most of it could be placed squarely on my shoulders.  In no way have I ever dodged my responsibility for any of this, nor will I ever do so, however, your swings, if that is what they can be called, have caused me terrible anxiety and fear.

I have lived for a very long time within the fear of losing you.  And I do not want to live like that anymore.  It is not healthy, certainly not for me and definitely not for us.  If there will be an us.  If you will allow us to happen.

I have to and am working on myself.  I have been doing so since February.  Everything that you said you saw changing in me, my changing to a healthier, happier, more spiritual person, was absolutely true my love.  As I told you the other night, I owe it all to you.  You corrected me by telling me that I owed it all to God, which is also true, however, if you did not completely love me, then none of it would have mattered because I would not have cared.

"He prayed, he wept, he sorrowed, but all in vain. 'Alas!' he said, 'what will become of me?'" - Wilhelm Grimm

It is indeed true that we have to our own selves be true, however, it is also very true that we must to each other be true.  I want to be better, happier, healthier, more spiritual, but I want as well to be so with you.  I want to be partners, equals, I want to face the good times, the bad times, the extraordinary journey and miracle of this life, this world, with you.

One of the problems I had when we were together is that, just as now, I felt that I could not be completely honest with you.  Both then and now the underlying fear was of upsetting you to the point that you would leave.  I have come to an understanding recently.

I do not want to lose you honey.  I want to be with you forever but I can no longer be afraid of what you might think or do.  I love you more than anything or anyone I have ever known and being away from you is a pain I can, but do not want to suffer.  But if you do love me as I suspect you do, then I have to have faith in your love.  I have to trust that as long as I am honest with myself and with you, honest with my feelings and my emotions, I have to trust that you would not leave me simply because I told you what your actions and words do to me.

I know that I have much to learn, that I have a long ways to go as of yet.  I also realise that there is much that I have to do to regain your trust, the trust of your family.  I understand that I have a lot to apologize and make up for.  I am willing to listen, to learn.  I want to atone for all my sins.  I want to make my amends to you and your loved ones.

I have been trying, very hard, to respect your wishes and your needs, but you have to realise that I have wishes and desires as well.  You need to realise that as hard as this might be for you, it might be doubly hard for me.  I also want you to realise that I am ready and willing to do this, but I need you to respect me as well as I am trying to respect you.

Your posts about finally being able to relax after you moved out, your comments to me about not having been able to paint when we were together, about knowing that life without me is peaceful; those comments cut me to my core and filled me with regret.  This is not a regret of self pity, but a regret of a realisation of how badly I have hurt you.  I never meant to hurt you and I never want to hurt you again.  I want to support you, heal you, make you happy.  Complete you.

Nothing made me happier than when I took you to the hospital then later cared for you over that weekend, but there is something that you should know about all of that.  The one thing that really sticks out for me is how upset you were when I called in sick to work that day.  But I never said anything to you, instead letting that stew and fester within me.

"…and threw her arms round his neck looking as beautiful as ever, as beautiful as when they walked together in the wood." - Wilhelm Grimm

The same thing is happening now sweetheart and I do not want that to happen ever again.  With anyone, but especially with you.  You are too special a person, too amazing, too beautiful, but there is a resentment beginning to burn within me and I can not have that, ever.

So I am letting go of that fear.  I am letting go of a world without you.  All I want is a world with you, to go to Disneyland together, to travel the world together, to experience everything that life has in store for us, but that is not something that I can control and so I am letting go, like that dumb ass poster, or whatever, "If you love something then set it free and if it loves you, then it will return".  I am letting loose of this rope of fear, closing my eyes and falling forward and upward.

I love you.

"Shadows of a sailor, forming winds both foul and fair all swarm.
Down in carlisle, he loved a lady many years ago.
Here beside him stands a man, a soldier from the looks of him,
Who came through many fights, but lost at love." - The Grateful Dead